Here we go again.
Another DRAMATIC post about this and that.
Recently decided to walk away from the FB for a bit. Don’t know how long it will last. Kind of getting sick of it. Don’t know why its the only way I can keep in touch with people. It seems to take up too much of my day. Found a way around so I can still manage my two pages, but deactivated my personal account yesterday without saying a thing to anyone. No one really cares anyway so what does it matter. I over post, overshare and let my thoughts and feelings out and for what? Why? Attention? Sympathy? Empathy? I don know. It’s all become shit to me. You can’t post something without someone getting defensive or taking offense. Its like all the bad things of high school shoved in your face, on a little bright screen at all hours of the day. And all the cliques are there too.
The Theatre Geeks.
The Smarty Pants
The Political Warmongers
Its been hard lately to be on there. And for some reason my bought of depression (winter) has coincided nicely this time.
So after deactivating the account, I probably looked at my phone at least 50 times to check FB only to be met with the blank screen reminding me of my choice. I’ve thought many times of permanently deleting it…but at what cost. How much of my life and connections are lived via FB. Its daunting.
So that’s Chapter 1 of this year.
Went out on a limb and auditioned for a role and didn’t get it. I feel like I’m totally useless. I cannot audition well and the only time I have gotten cast was by a the same director who at least knows what I bring to the table in rehearsals and performance. But that director is retired. And everything I do is forgotten. I’ve yet to be cast in a show not directed by that man. Maybe he just had sympathy for me and I was the token “filler” because they had no one else.
But I tell you…you want to be forgotten quickly…do something in theatre. I’m ready to close the chapter of my life in theatre. Its full of heartache, broken dreams and lost time. Some of greatest days have come from it, but also some of my darkest. I don’t know if I can fully walk away from it. But hell..I can’t even get into theatres to photograph anymore.
Am I a bad seed somewhere on somesone book? Is my name written in big letters on the wall “AVOID AT ALL COSTS”.
Sadly this has not helped my feelings of depression.
Chapter 3? Running
Back at it. 3 solid weeks down, about 100 miles in. Cayuga 50 is my goal. Mentally I’m not there yet, and physically it is taking me a while to catch up.
Chapter 4? Chloe
On top of all this and deadlines, and work, and family…my dog. I feel she is on her last legs. She stopped eating, we took her to the vet and they don’t know what is wrong with her. She has now taken to throwing up any water or what little we could get in her. She is wasting away. I fear I only have a short time left with her. And I can’t handle that right now. I knew this time would come, but I didn’t not expect it to come like this. My dogs are family, always have been. This one will leave me a mess.
I do hope she bounces thru this and fights back, but there is only so much I can do on my end. Its hard to look in her eyes and see a look of emptiness.
Well…this post was shit.
But that’s how I’m feeling right now. And this is where I’m deciding to share my feelings. Not on Facebook.
For those who wandered here trying to figure out where I went (HAHAHAHAH — like that happened) — you can always reach my by text or email. If you know them.
See you when I see you.